I love my family, we are all happy and healthy and I DO know my life could be 110% worse, but I also know it could be better. I am not blaming anyone besides myself.
Since June 1st I have been struggling with the fact that I am turning 30 next month. I absolutely hate it. When I was 16 I remember being excited to be 30 because by then I would be a "grown up" with a good job, nice house, a hubby and maybe a few kids. 30 to me was the age when people had all this stuff...back then it seemed "so old".
What bothers me about turning 30 is not the fact that I will be "older" but the fact that I am turning 30, renting 1/2 a duplex, with no job (I don't think babysitting really qualifies as "employment" ) and living basically pay to pay. (thank God that Prince Charming has a decent job!)
I want to be in a (nice) house with nice bedrooms for the boys. I want matching bedroom sets, a nice kitchen, big bathroom, big deck in the back yard. I want to be able to entertain, and I just can't do that here. I just feel that I don't have a real "purpose in life" as some feel. My kids are definately my greatest accomplishment but I do not feel that being a mother is my only calling in life (also, as some feel). I just don't know what to do to "achieve my goals." I know I do need to stop thinking with the "what if" mind set.
I feel as though I am sacrificing all of this for my boys. I am not working so I can be home in the morning to get them off to school....to be home in the afternoon when they get home, but as every Mama knows, parenting is the most unappreciated job ever. I am at the point in my life now where I am wondering if they would even care if I was a working Mama. I wish SO much (as do most parents) that I could have my cake and eat it too. In my case that would be to have my nice big house AND be able to be a SAHM. I want to be able to "up & go" on a trip with my hubby, or "up & go" on a trip with the kids. I hate that we cannot do that. I am praying God will bless with with a job that allows me to stay at home and make tons of $$ :) Maybe someday I will be a famous blogger (HA)
So yes the fact that I will be 30 in 1 month from this Wednesday is really taking a toll on me. I haven't been very nice to be around lately :( I am getting to the point that I don't even want to leave the house. I know, it's ridiculous.
Somebody once said "no matter what you are going through, just remember you are living somebody elses dream." This is so true, maybe I need to write this all over my walls so I will see it every day.
Anyway, that is enough rant for today. I am excited to get together with my whole family this evening for a birthday supper for my Grampy who will be 83 tomorrow. Hopefully by the time my 83rd birthday rolls around I am happier than I was for my 30th ;)
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1 comments:
I think there comes a point in everyone's lives when they look at themselves and go "this is not what I was hoping for myself" All we can do is try to live each day to the fullest..I know easier said then done most days but still...worth a shot:)
Happy Birthday!! And your kids will appreciate it someday:)
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