Fat Talk

I feel grose. I feel the furthest away from sexy a woman can feel. I feel fat. I feel huge. I feel too exhausted to do anything about it. I feel like I am in a "rut" and I cannot get out. Every year at Christmas (more so than New Years for some reason), I promise myself that next year I will feel fabulous in a nice (slinky?) holiday dress. I have never been "skinny". The smallest I have ever been was when I was pregnant with Riley (and  for about a yr after). I left the hospital in size 5 pants weighing 132 lbs.

 Lets just say in order to get back down to that weight I have 32 lbs to lose...40 would be ideal. What would it be like to just be able to shop for whatever kind of clothes you want to shop for? To not have to worry about anything "hugging your fat rolls" or "accentuating" them?
 I was doing SO good in the summer. I jumped out of my comfort zone (literally) and started going to Zumba with a great friend of mine. I was eating healthy and I lost a little over 15 lbs. Since then the scale tells me I have only gained 5 lbs back but I think it's forgetting to add on another 20. I KNOW what needs to be done. I KNOW what I need to eat and what I shouldn't be eating. But I just cannot get out of this rut. Just the thought of getting on the treadmill makes me tired. At the end of the day all I want is a bath and my jammies. Maybe I am depressed? Maybe I need happy pills? Maybe I need to start drinking Red Bull? Or maybe I just need a swift kick in the butt? I am tired of being tired. Tired of being cranky. Because I am not happy with myself, everyone around me suffers. Something needs to change and change soon before I am not only fat but also divorced :)