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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Who Am I?

SAHM--> Stay At Home Mom
Any of those out there? Or am I the only 1? I feel like I am the only 1 these days. I am 6 months shy of 30. I went to school to be a licensed butt wiper (CCA) but the only bums I seem to be wiping these days are those under 5.

I always thought that by the time I hit 30 I would have a husband, kids, house and a career. Although I have a husband and children...I am still lacking in the house and career part.
I hear some women say "there is no place I would rather be than staying home with my children" or  "you are SO lucky to be able to stay at home with the kids". I am going to be 100% honest here, I DON'T FEEL LUCKY!  I feel as though I don't have a purpose in life. The laundry, dishes, making beds, picking up toys, sweeping just do not make me feel very "important." I do babysit in my home, and I could not ask for a better little man to babysit. Do I want to stay at home for the rest of my life....of course not.  I know by this point alot of you are probably thinking "she IS right, she IS a mean Mama!!" I feel as though working even part time would give me the self confidence (self worth? self esteem?) I have been truly lacking.
I feel as though Parker deserves to have me home for another yr (maybe?) just because Riley & Jack have had me home pretty much all of their lives, minus the year I went to school for Continuing Care. (Which I now feel was a waste of money!)
Some days (remember I told you I would be 100% real on this blog...) I feel resentment towards prince charming. Maybe not so much resentment as jealousy. I feel as though he is SO lucky to be able to deal with adults all day. To talk to someone and have them talk back! Some days I forget what a 2 sided conversation sounds like.
I love my boys with all of my heart, and I seem to be developing quite a fondness for the little guy I babysit (we will call him "Buddy", as that is what Parker has nicknamed him) but I don't want to nor can we afford for me to stay home forever. I need a job...a "real" job..a job that shows up in the drop down menu under "occupation" (apparently a stay at home mom is not a recognized career)...a job that makes me feel like I am "important" or that I am doing something with my life. I know once I start my "real" job I will probably miss staying at home in my pajamas all day watching "Bear in The Big Blue House" ...playing peek-a-boo or pat-a-cake but it will be nice to be able to have adults to interact with.  Some nights after prince charming gets home and the kids are in bed he doesn't understand why I don't talk. "What's the matter hunny?" he will ask. Usually my reply is "Nothing at all...it is just quiet and I am very much enjoying it :)"
Being a Mom is wonderful, but I think I would be a better one if there was some time for me.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

So after reading monday and thursday's quote, it almost sounds as if I am the one writing this although I suck a putting words down but i swear its as if you are reading my mind. I had my husband read it last night...he was wondering if it was me that started this blog, as it is all things i say to him everyday.
Thank you sooo much for making me see that I too am not the only one..

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