It's a WHAT?

A peek in the delivery room at YRH, June 17, 2006, 1823 HRS

"You have a beautiful baby BOY!!" Those who know me on a personal level know how big of a surprise the BOY part (literally!) was! We were told at 23 weeks we were having a girl so all our new little bundle had was pink...pink onesies, pink blankets, pink sleepers, pink shoes...pretty much everything was pink!! (Thank GOD for one of my bestest friends EVER, the Superstore chick! She exchanged pretty much EVERYTHING for me...brought it home, washed it and brought it back to the hospital! Thank you D.S. :)
I mentioned Post Partum Depression (PPD) in a Previous Post and told you all I would discuss it in a later post...here is the later post.

As soon as Jack was handed to me I just didn't feel the same as I did with Riley. Everyone was SO happy...except me. Was it because of the shock that he was "no longer a girl"? I was later told by an OBS nurse that I could feel like I was mourning the loss of my baby girl? Was it due to the fact that we had a traumatic birth? Baby's heart was stopping...and eventually stopped...blood was being drawn from his head before he was born to test his oxygen levels, the specialist was called up STAT and thankfully was able to deliver him with forceps (after a huge episiotomy YUCK).
I don't really know what contributed to the PPD but I knew within minutes of him being born that "it just didn't feel right." I couldn't hold him for about 1/2 an hr and as soon as they placed him in my arms I was SOOO relieved everything was OK but as soon as I knew that everything was OK I was more than happy for Prince Charming to take him from me. Later that evening when we got back to our room I decided to have a bath. I sat in the tub and started the water. I don't know what filled the tub the most, the water from my eyes or the water from the tap. I could not stop the tears. Do you know how hard it is to cry and sob QUIETLY in a hospital bathroom? Can you say ECHO? I did not want Prince Charming to know I was so upset...after all, I didn't even know WHY I was so upset!
So here I am a few hours post partum, crying more than my new baby, who is a perfect, HEALTHY baby boy. Why am I crying? I should be happy? Thinking these things make me feel like a terrible mother so here come more sobs...the kind that hurt your belly...or your va-jay-jay after being stitched up from 1 end to the other just a few hours before. (TMI?)
After an hour bathing in my tears I decide it was time to get out and get over it. So I put my happy face on and walked out of the bathroom. I managed to fake being happy for about an hr until Jack decided he wanted to be fed. I ABSOLUTELY HATED breastfeeding this time. It got to the point where I would pump and Daddy would feed him with a syringe.
What was going on? I LOVED it with Riley.
It was so weird to me how different it was for Riley and Jack. With Riley I was not in a good relationship (cat's outta the bag now, Prince Charming is not Riley's BIOLOGICAL father however he is the only Dad that he has ever really known...and to Prince Charming that is HIS boy, no different than Jack or Parker... I am sure I will post more on that subject at some point)
With Riley I was young (21...too young to start a family in my opinion) My family (at 1st) was not very happy, (I will never forget my Grampy telling me that finding out I was pregnant "made him more sad then when his own mother died)
Soooo needless to say I thought this time would be SO different...happy different not sad different :(
I don't know what on earth I would have done had it not been for my amazing husband. I can honestly tell you that I did not change 1 (ONE, UNO) diaper the whole 4 days we were in hospital. I fed him when I HAD to (if I couldn't pump any off for Daddy).

I secretly dealt with this for about 6 weeks, until the day it was time for my post partum Dr's appt. All it took was for him to ask me how I was feeling and the water works started. I told him how awful of a person I was to feel like I didn't want my own son. I told him there was absolutely no bond between us. Maybe I should give him up for adoption? My doctor assured me that everything would be fine. To make a long story short, I was put on happy pills and was on them for 3 yrs until I got pregnant with Parker. My BIGGEST (also Prince Charming's biggest) fear the whole time I was pregnant the 3rd time was that PPD would return. It didn't....I thought it might the day we brought Parker home.. I was SO tired and as soon as we walked into the door I went into my room and cryed. Prince Charming came in and was probably thinking "NOT AGAINNNN". He gave me a big hug and said "what's wrong hunny?" (secretly hoping I would say I stubbed my toe or something) "I don't know...but I don't need medication" is all I could reply. I am guessing that was just an over tired, hormonal cry...I think all women get those ;) So I am happy to report there was no PPD and never will be again because this uterus is closed.
Feel free to comment and I will be sure to answer any questions you may have. This is serious and PPD support seems non-existent, at least it did when I was going through it. I remember hearing "c'mon, you just had a baby, you're supposed to be happy." This is not always the case and don't let people like this get to you. Unless you have gone through PPD you will NEVER understand it.